Narrator: There’s smog in the busy town of Ipswich this morning and the football club’s joint Bespoke Global Deliverance Provider, John Fletcher, has gratefully accepted a lift in David Hitchins’ Alfa Romeo Moltotraballante 4Ci. They’re off to a meeting with Rachel Tesco, entrepreneur and the brains behind one of Ipswich’s most exciting new businesses, Life of Pie, an artisan bakery, just relocated from London’s fashionable Haggerston district. Joining them to sample Rachel’s pastries is Head of Brand Experience, Graham Bobbins. Wendy Ramsey, Lead Business Logic Analyst and Mick Mack, Head of Performance have both sent their apologies.
John [striding into the bakery and vigorously shaking Rachel’s hand]: Rachel! Good to see you again. I think you’ve met David.
Rachel: Yes, indeed. [Laughs] Well, you’ve been my best customer since I moved here, haven’t you, David?
John: And this is – er – Graham, Head of Marketing.
Graham [sulkily]: Head of Brand Experience, actually.
John: Good. … Anyway, let’s get on. I have to say I can’t wait to taste the product, Rachel.
Rachel: Well, no need to wait. Here you are… the Portman Pasty!
[She offers a plate of small pieces of pasty around and everyone tries them. Murmurs of approval.]
Rachel: So this is a hand-raised artisan-baked Suffolk pasty containing only traditional organic ingredients.
John: Oh, good. It’s a local dish. I hadn’t realised the pasty was an East Anglian delicacy.
Rachel: Oh yes. The recipe is absolutely traditional. It was the way that Suffolk tin miners were able to take their meals underground.
John: Fantastic. I didn’t know that. … And Graham, you have a rather – um – innovative idea for sales, don’t you?
Graham: That’s right, John. It’s called the Portman Pasty Promotion Pledge.
Graham: Every supporter who bought a season ticket pledged to pay the cost of a Portman Pasty at every game and… wait for it… the pasty will be delivered to that supporter’s seat for no extra charge!
David: Wow! Lucky supporters!
John: Good. So, how many season ticket customers do we have?
David: 12,000. Ish.
John: And they’ll all get a pasty delivered to their seat? Sounds a bit tricky logistically, Graham.
John: Keeping them hot, that might pose a problem?
Graham: Hot? Oh no, they won’t be hot.
Rachel: They’re supposed to be hot.
Graham: Oh yes. Totally.
David: And not everyone will want a pasty, obviously, so we’ll have to look at numbers…
John: Good point. No point in supplying pasties where they’re not wanted! Could be a lot fewer… Did they get a choice of whether they wanted to sign up to the Pasty Pledge when the money was taken, Graham?
Graham: [looking bewildered] Choice? We didn’t tell them about it.
John: Didn’t tell them?
Graham: I thought it would be a nice surprise.
John: So what happens if they don’t want a pasty?
Graham: Well … they have to opt out.
Graham: They’ll have to opt out. We’ve already taken the money, so they’ll have to apply for a refund. Otherwise… well, they get a pasty.
[John’s mobile rings.]
John: Hello? Wendy. … Yes…. Yes. Good? … No, no, not good. OK, we’re on our way back to the office. Could you put an Out of Order sign on the vending machine? … Yup. Thanks.
[He ends the call.]
John: I think we need to look at this again. That was Wendy. It’s total pasty meltdown out there. We need to do some fire-fighting. … Rachel, we’ll get back to you.
David: Great pasties though, Rachel. Great!
Rachel: But the contract…!
[The soft sound of a very expensive car engine fades into the distance.]